Middle fingers UP

During my nightly ritual of staring at the ceiling after three hours of tossing and turning, I began to overthink…per usual. I’m sure most people can relate to that nagging feeling of unnecessary and incredibly irrelevant thoughts that begin to surface at the worst possible times. Like a soft ringing in your ears that begins to overpower all other noises. (I might have just described tinnitus…or psychosis). Regardless, last night was one of those nights. The first thought that pushed its way to my prefrontal cortex, was this gut wrenching fear of “holy shit…did I lose the giftcards I received from Christmas?!” Alright. So. Let’s dissect this thought. First off, why am I thinking of Crate and Barrel gift cards at 3AM? Secondly, Christmas?! I’m reflecting on things from December?! I’m beginning to understand what my therapist means when he says, “you have a lot of unresolved issues.” Well no shit!

Moving on…after I got up to check my junk drawer for my gift cards (again, at 3 in the morning)…I safely recovered them all. What a relief. Hopefully with this recently acquired peace of mind, I can finally sleep. As you can probably guess…I did not fall asleep.

The second thought actually involved this blog. (I promise you I have a life apart from writing entries a few times a week). I was thinking about men (boys) of my past. I started to think about all of the guys I had dated (this is including boyfriends as well as singular dates). I wasn’t necessarily thinking about them…I was thinking about what THEY would think if my name was ever brought up in conversation. (Dream on, Sam…they are way over your ass).

I became anxiety-ridden as I thought about how harsh their judgments most likely are between my blog, my Instagram rants, my selfies, etc. I have never been one to care about what people think, but this sudden thought began to linger way longer than I had wanted it to. I imagined them laughing…or thinking they had “dodged a bullet” by not pursuing me. I wondered if they were embarrassed that they had ever taken a liking to me. I was curious how many of them unfollowed me. I was beginning to care. Way. Too. Much.  

These thoughts bogged me down like a weighted blanket I wish I had at that moment. I felt humiliated. I’m sharing such a large part of myself on social media and I began to wonder how many people in general were scrutinizing me for this.

After a restless night of burdening thoughts, I remembered the famous quote by Lao Tzu, “Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” This holds such an immense amount of validity to it. We often wish to be young again, right? I think we miss the feeling of liberation. We miss how freeing it is to do as you please without a care in the world.

I snapped myself out of that absolutely ridiculous thought process and reminded myself of the importance of valuing your thoughts about yourself. I don’t care who does and does not read these. I don’t care about the criticism or potentially differentiating viewpoints. I am on this everlasting path of finding love for myself and I have no room in my restless mind to allow these stupid thoughts to overwhelm me. I am learning to make myself vulnerable, and that does not equate to weakness. Human connection is the core of our happiness. We all desire the feeling of acceptance. We all want to be part of something bigger than we are. If I have provided just one person with a sense of reassurance that they are not alone, then this post was absolutely worth it.

And to the all the boys from my past placing any form of harsh judgment, middle fingers up to you.

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