I’m not going to laugh at your stupid jokes anymore (pt.1)

I think I’m going to use my dating life as writing material. Each date is a new entry. A new topic. A new story. Every story more raw and gritty, honest, humiliating, and comical than the next. (I’m going to talk about other things…but the point is-if Stanley Kubrick rose from his grave and decided he wanted to begin directing tragic love stories, my life could be his sole source of inspiration. But because of the 7 different plot twists that follow each dating encounter, we might need M. Night Shyamalan to assist as well.

I digress.

Majority of the guys I’ve been on dates with do follow me on social media. There is also a large chunk of them who have unfollowed me, or even worse, blocked me. *Flips hair.* Oh well! I don’t have much hesitation sharing these stories for a few reasons:

  1. They are fucking funny
  2. I’m not disclosing any names or highly secretive information
  3. THE GUY THAT GHOSTED ME AFTER HE DIDN’T GET LAID IS NOT READING MY BLOG.

My date from last week didn’t wake up today thinking, “You know…I left SUCH a lasting impact on Sam…let me refresh her blog and see if I’ve made it onto her newest entry!” Please. Men aren’t reading my texts, let alone my 27 paragraphs of weekly nonsense. I also cringe when typing the word man or, men. This isn’t what my momma told me a man would look like. I am not referring to sexual identities or gender biases right now…I’m talking about the difference between a boy and a man. I’m talking about maturity. Intelligence. RESPECT. Um…here’s a big one that is becoming seemingly more and more difficult for you MEN out there…common sense? Common courtesy? And above all else, don’t make an ass out of me.

I find it astonishing how tiny a guy can make a girl feel just by disregarding her intelligence. By mistaking her kindness for weakness. By confusing her empathy for being clingy. What you guys aren’t realizing is that we aren’t naive! Since a very young age, girls have been taught to “play the game.” We are informed that we must wait for a guy to make the first move (first text, first kiss, first time saying the L word, etc). We are taught to sit idly by and wait. We are taught to never chase a boy. They will only run further. We hear sayings such as “the less you care, the more he’ll care.” We are told to keep our “crazy” hidden for as long as we can. We laugh at your stupid jokes. We know we have to listen to you talk about yourself for hours because no one else will (for very valid reasons). We dress with intention: not revealing too much-just enough to get your attention and leave you wanting more. The first time a little girl comes home and tells her parents that a boy pushed her on the playground and they respond with, “it’s because he likes you”…well…that’s the first day a girl learns that from here on out, nothing will make sense. All of it is one giant mess. You can’t love TOO much, yet you can’t love too little. You can be emotional but ONLY when it’s warranted. I remember hearing that I should “dumb myself down a little” when talking to certain guys. Read that sentence again. I think that’s actually more insulting for the person on the receiving end?! I need to dumb myself down in order to maintain a fucking conversation with you? Jesus…I’m not discussing astrophysics over here. Whatever. This list has been engraved in our minds for years. This list is endless. Here’s the shittiest part of all of this: there is no balance, there is no just equality, there is no true fairness, and there are no answers. We just keep getting thrown out there to “live and learn,” but every time we think we’ve learned everything there is to know, another idiotic and novel lesson slaps us in the face. I know I’m making a LOT of generalizations here, but this is my reality. If this feels like your reality too, let’s change it. Together.

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