Okay. Picture this. Here I am. In a lab, with a white lab coat on. Starch white. Like…perhaps I’m ABOUT to run some experiments and tests but for now I’m just doing some simple data entry. My coat is clean, white, and ready to be ruined. Kind of like Tomi Lahren.
Moving on…I push my glasses back up to the bridge of my nose, and I get ready to share the findings of the fact-based evidence gathered by my incredible field work.
The Lab. My bedroom.
The Lab coat. My towel (still on from the shower I took an hour ago).
The Procedure: Study the world of Tinder, Bumble, & Hinge.
The title of this experiment: How to Tell Everything You Need to Know About a Guy Based on the Photos and Bio he Uses on Dating Apps (okay the title is a bit lengthy and subject to change) Open to suggestions.
Okay, in all seriousness…one night I was lying in my bed doing the whole left, right, swipe game (why is there no ‘maybe’ option). You know, like, “Wow, you went to Harvard, you have a six figure job, your bio is so funny, you don’t have kids, you’ve never been married, but you have a receding hairline. I’ll come back to you.” I’ll tell you why there is no ‘maybe’ option…women are the most INDECISIVE CREATURES TO EXIST. Holy shit. I used to get so aggravated when my friends or family would tell me this. “No mom, I know exactly what I want, I know how to make decisions! I am so totally independent.”
Sure- we can make huge life decisions like when we are ready to grow a human inside of us or if we should bleach our hair knowing that there is no going back; however, when it comes to choosing what to eat, where to go, and who to date, I think all of us need some assistance. I’m envisioning a little Furby-esque creature on my shoulder telling me if I should swipe left or right.
So that’s why there is no ‘maybe’ option. But I’ve gotta stay on track here. Let’s discuss what kind of guys you are going to find on dating apps, and how can you tell what you need to know by a few photos and their bio (or usually-lack thereof).
There are a few things we need to establish first. Consider this your “Beginners Guide to Online Dating.” A guy who uses Tinder will most likely use Bumble and Hinge as well. Get used to seeing lots of “familiar” faces. Tinder is universally known as the more “casual” “hook-up” app. Bumble is seen as one step up. And Hinge is supposed to shed some light to personality. All of the apps are now attempting to do this by throwing in some premade questions such as, “who is your dream dinner guest?!” Or “What are your top 3 shows?!” But, as mundane and irrelevant as those questions seem, you will see the importance of them shortly.
We are just going to talk about Tinder, Bumble and Hinge altogether. For those of you who are not familiar with how this works, it’s pretty damn self-explanatory…and if you’re having issues finding yourself a partner because you don’t know how the APP WORKS, then that is an entirely different discussion for my next article. Swipe right, you are showing someone you “like them.” Swipe left, they are a no-go. If both of you swipe right..GUESS WHAT? It’s a match. They make it really exciting too. Big, bouncy, flashy letters letting you know that you and “Jeremy are a match!” There are a bunch of other nuances like Backswiping, Superlikes, find out who likes you, Extended time, etc. I’m laughing to myself. This sounds like a video game. I guess that’s what love is though! One big game. Woah, far out, man. Let’s bring it back in. So once you’ve mastered the art of figuring out the difference between a literal heart and an X, you can begin. (side note- I am pausing so many times throughout the duration of this article because I’m going through Tinder to ensure all of my facts are correct-meaning-I’m dating AND writing an entry).
In no specific order…here are the types of Dating App Guys you will find:
The Loves to Travel guy (not to be confused with the guy who actually does love to travel). This guy most likely has a photo of him on some mountain with his hands stretched outwards and some cheesy ass grin on his face even detectable from afar. He is so white…both culturally and in terms of skin color. (Oh, and this “big mountain” he is photographed on is along a tourist attraction hike zone in Arizona). The next photo that follows, is him with a couple buddies. Photo is pretty blurry or just not well taken and they are all holding plastic cups of most likely, Bud Lights. And then his bio pops up. “I love traveling! I work hard but could use some fun in my life! Let’s grab a drink and see where it goes!” The last photo is him on some kind of vacation with fourteen other individuals. You will not know which one he is, nor will you take the time to look. Personally, I think his page seems inauthentic, he seems a little bit too nice, and his exclamation points stress me out.
The Guy Who Takes Photos INSIDE Cars (not to be confused with the guy who takes photos outside of “his” cars). This man can be of any cultural background. Camera angle tilted upwards. I’m talking POV shots here people. We are seeing nostrils, those mirrored “dad” sunglasses, maybe a little wind through the hair (but usually the windows are closed-because they realize how dumb they look-girls are so guilty of this too). But some seriously impressive angles. Like hand on the steering wheel, looking off into the distance. All that swag. I’m thinking to myself, “damn zaddy, you might not be so bad but oh wait you are taking selfies in a car with cloth seats.”
The Guy Who is Still Using a Photo from his Best Friend’s Wedding Because it’s the Last Time he was Dressed Up. There’s not much to say about him. His name is usually Ryan or Jack. Predominantly White dudes. His hair is slightly spiky-not like 2004 spike- a more fashionable (but still unacceptable) version. He’s probably wearing some tacky light blue suit because his friends are also probably tacky. I’m sure he’s a nice guy…but we all know the first thing he said to his friends after the invite was, “Dude, I’m totally gonna bang one of the bridesmaids.” The guy’s got confidence. He is most likely 28 years old, went to Western Illinois University, and works in sales. He drives a 2014 Toyota and he refers to her as his baby. His bio consists of a quote from The Office. He’s got a good relationship with his parents who live in rural Illinois but he is still most likely to ghost you.
The I’m In Chicago until Monday So Show me a Good Time guy. Hi ladies. We all know what this means right? I mean hopefully you have enough common sense to understand that this means hotel bar drinks and hotel room frisky time. (My goodness, I sound like some crazy churchgoing middle aged mom. Frisky). Anyway, you will end the night with, “we will keep in touch, I’ll call you the next time I’m in Chicago, Sarah.” And you respond with, “wait my name is Clarissa.” And he says, “bye Vanessa, and shuts the hotel room door. So unless you’re looking for a one night stand (which is honestly totally cool by me- do what you want to do girlfriend), avoid these guys at all costs.
The Guy Who is Pretty Hot but I Don’t Know How to Pronounce his Name or His Name is Just Weird as Shit. That’s about it. I’m envisioning me posting pictures on Instagram for our first anniversary and being like, “Wind River, I am so happy to be yours. Love you so much. More than the Wind loves the River” (I don’t know what the hell that was right there). But yeah, I’m swiping left for those guys too.
The Guy Who is Taking This Way Too Seriously. His bio is like a damn novel. “Hi girls! I’m a good guy with a good heart. I am looking for a girl who I can one day share a life with. I love a good sense of humor and a pretty smile. Let me show you the type of guy you deserve! Swipe right. I’d love to get to know you.” NO NO NO. Red flag!! What is this nonsense? Put a funny quote or some witty comment in your bio and call it a fucking day. Oh goodness, this is another guy that causes me to abort mission.
The Guy Who is Better Looking Than You. He’s got a chiseled jaw crafted by the Gods. Piercing blue eyes. Perfectly straight white teeth (that have NOT been edited by FaceTune). His last photo is him holding his white button up shirt over his shoulder exposing his perfect slab of abs. Wipe up your drool because he’s a total tool. Do you really want to have to worry about the way you look standing next to him all of the time? I dress like a bum 80% of the days. I wear so much pimple cream to bed I look like I have a severe skin disorder…and I also wake up smelling kind of bad? That’s recent. Let’s blame it on my broken heater. I have six rolls, not a six pack. And I DO NOT want to have to even WATCH someone meal prep, let alone hear about it, and sleep next to someone knowing that they just cooked chicken specifically to eat the next day. Next!
The Couple. “Looking for our unicorn!” That’s all I’m going to say here.
The Ugh I Thought You Were Your Hot Friend Guy. How awful is that? Like that might be my most shallow thought ever. Lol, no it’s not. I mean, I’m a pretty damn good person, but we all know that you have had that very same thought before. You see the first photo and your eyes instantly gravitate towards the tall, dark, handsome, brooding man with the perfect smirk. You scroll down. You need to see more. Oh. No. It’s the guy in the center (obviously) with the Izod shirt on that’s maybe two sizes too small.
The Strategic Sunglass Wearer. Never. Trust. A. Guy. Who. Wears. Sunglasses. In. His. Photos. That’s right. His first picture he’s looking off into the distance, showing off a sexy side profile, with those black squared Ray Bans. Next photo. He’s on the beach with a couple of friends. Tanned and slightly freckled nose. Ray Bans featured again. HOT. Next photo. Glasses are off. Who the fuck is that?! Alright ladies, you’ve been warned.
The I Love Fitness Guy (not to be confused by the working out is cool and healthy guy). This guys bio literally says, “Won’t work if you don’t workout and live a healthy lifestyle.” HA. One time I really wanted to see the validity of this statement, so I sent this cute little message like, “hey you…is it really going to be a dealbreaker if I don’t work out :(“ My dating app pics are cute as hell and my bio is totally unique. Trust me, okay? So here I am thinking he’ll say, “for you…I’ll give you a chance.” STRAIGHT UP- he’s like, “sorry. I need a girl who can spend time in the gym daily working on herself.” And then he UNMATCHED me, like I was going to beg for him to keep me around. I’m audibly laughing. That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. With these guys, you can expect a lot of mirror pics, close up shots of abs, and maybe a picture on a yacht thrown in there.
The “job: founder or (CEO) at startup company” Guy. Alright. I get it. It’s 2019 and people are becoming more innovative and intelligent by the minute. We are moving at rapid pace. Cars that can be charged like a phone battery. Floating cameras capturing crazy shit. Cars and bikes that deliver food and other items to you at the push of a button. This is some far out shit, man. But here’s my point. He is probably trying to create some earthy crunchy juice brand that is going to supply antioxidants and a plethora of vitamins. He’s going to offer free samples and create all of this fancy advertising and he’s going to sell this shit at Whole Foods for like 6$ per bottle. So no. I don’t want to date you because you’re a liar. That shit ain’t worth 6$. Also- I bet you do way too much yoga and would talk about your crystals far too often.
The You’re Pretty Cute but Something Seems Off About You Guy. Yeah so this is all too real. This guy’s super hot but he only has selfies, or he’s alone in every picture, and you’re asking yourself, “does he have friends?” I mean…his job title IS Engineer. We know he might be a little socially awkward. But that’s okay, we can work with that. Another example. His responses to those little bio questions are like LOL worthy, but he’s 5’9. Say it. I deserve it. Sam, you are a shallow BITCH. But I mean…think about it. We have preferences. We’re human. I’m sure plenty of men aren’t attracted to me because I have tattoos for example. I like tall guys. I don’t think that makes me THAT awful. Maybe? Okay next example. You’re talking to this guy. He is EVERYTHING you could possibly ask for. But then he lays it on you…he lives with his mom. “Is that okay?” Shit…I mean it’s not the END of the world…IF YOU JUST GRADUATED COLLEGE! But nah, he’s like 30 and gives you some excuse that his “house is being built” but red flag. I’m TELLING YOU. Huge red flag. Those are just a few examples. I get it. It’s pretty surface level and cold of me. But I’m just being realistic here.
More to come in part two of this saga.